Restart.

Cause

Take it off,
all of it.

The mask has fallen and shattered.
The contacts are out.
The wig is off.
What else is left?

I'll be myself,open up compeltly and freely,
even with the knowledge that was forseen.
The heart break and sorrow that I was told of.
The objections and subjections of your life hitting me constantly...

Yet,......

Money

So many things in the world are worth a value,from sentiment to materal value,or even face value. Yet at the same time there is a value,but unspoken.
There's a unwritten rule that we are told throughout elementry school,that rule being: "A pic is worth a thousand words". We were told that due to picture prompit essays,to drawings we would make of stick pictures for our parents. So if a picture is worth a thousands words what is a word worth?
Is it equal?Or is it diminished to a lower valu,or flourished to another? Is there a way to measure the greatness of a college level word compared to a preschool vocabulary? Some of the greatest enetertainment of the past became what they are due to the master piece the writer has created. From a violinist flowing each note perfectly, to an artist allowing their hands bring them to the next biggest portrait. Writers, string words together to allow vissions and dreams come alive in multiple levels. From a poem to a series of books of dreams capturing the wonderous mind of the human nature. What is the value of a single word,a group,story,phrase?

"dress nicely" So said the brochere that we all recieved in thr mal weeks ago about orientation.uhm no wannabe nyc club scene ahaha fail.

(just so i don't feel so bad.) I know I haven't updated this blog in a while but I've been so eh lately till recently,but hey it'll change I promise,lol.

So after a long day of ice breakers,meeting a few new people and realizing that i signed up more than i thought SPC orienation is eh..1.5 days to go..woo?

homohobocidal?

So yesterday was a great day minus the lack of sleep i had received that entire day but int was fun!!!!Running around the Uarts building,jumping in and out of the car in the middle of Philly to get apartment numbers. To even getting mugs from our favourite diner (menlo park mall diner) just minus the fact that now here i am 12ish hours later sick as a dog, toilet and tea as my new best friend,what else is new? ahahahhaha o well?

Well on ab bright side I think I'm going to start a new blog with my Lost Kitten short Stories,as well as on the other side keep Demetiri's Story up as soon as I finish chapter one ill post it.. ironically I'm more concerned with finishing the last chapter,irony? Yet if this is based off of real life events and has all happened, jowl can I write an ending unless I make the ending come true? Stick predicament I'm in. Any way I hear tea calling my name, Adios muchacha/chachos!

It's You by Chris Salvatore with Lyrics

I need to go to church!

So today I was talking with Noelle,no surprise there, but watching her suffer and watching Allie suffer love-ache after ache,watching parents fight,and divorce and fight,maybe everyones right? There is no happiness,and if there is it's hard to find especially now-a-days...does this mean I should give up and stop ignoring the inevitable?...hmmm.

Hopeless insomniac

Up,down whosh all around.

Whiplash,fire.and some water.

Sudden jolts,and frequent stops.

What else is new.

I'm done with you.

Buckle my seatbelt,hold on tight,don't look back,

Don't fall,fall.

its like a life time climb.

tickticktick,

sounds like a bomb.

that is when it all begins,

again,and again.

yea lack there of.

So I've been ignoring my blog..a lot lately and it is probably because I'm afraid to admit what is finally happening? Ex boyfriend moving on,future ones moving on,the four musketeers falling apart. Yet as this is all happening it feels almost as if I'm standing in a room full of people and all I can do is scream and watch as they movie on and ignore the noises that come out. I was recently thinking,deeply ..more than usual and I came to the conclusion that I want to quit writing. Quit cold flat. The only thing I'm going to finish is the story that I promised,but other than that I think its's time to retire this hobby and let it fade.

Anyway lets rewind to relive what has happened within these last few days,shall we?

Ian found out how Ric feels,smoked a pack of ciggs within a week,found out orientation is next week,cry myself to sleep every night,denied a job,cut open to the point of stitches needed,my toe. cut my arm by trying to help my toe. Ate so much food beyond capability,found out how much money i had left in my bank,denied the one person that listens to me ,denied multiple people my opinions. hmm so much has happened anyway next blog: probably about new blog?.....

EMINEM FT. RIHANNA - LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE (SONG + LYRICS)

A Fine Frenzy - "Almost Lover"

"Did you just..you know what I'm not going to ask."

So today has been a absolute roller coaster. I woke up early,did the weeds,called CVS denied a job,signed up to become a nanny and babysitter(really wish I could make this happen...damn lack of car) Then I was denied chilling time with the la bam cause she wanted to watch a "movie" with her friend. And then James came over,went out to eat,he brought me home,then we saw a movie and dropped me off. That was a first we never have had such a short term hangout session. I was called a whore basically by David, and at the same time I had upset my close friend Kendric,and to top it all off They texted me and told me how much they truly love me. So I really am at a lost of words to describe how I feel,maybe my next blog will be based upon teenage anxiety and love. Night y'all.

JOB HUNT 101

So today I was determined to find a job,I failed. CVS said I wasn't good enough,no where else is not hiring until September,so what does this mean to a college bond student soon in debt?

Means I SELL myself. AHAHAHAH just kidding really. I'm expanding my search as much as I can. I'm not able to expand as much as I want to,but I shall try? I have no car,no experience, I'm 18. Where do I start? Yahoo,Google, Craiglist, any job openings I can find. Wish me luck as I go off to find more of these listings.

9:23

So today's the first day that I woke up before 11 a.m. all summer.
Today's Agenda:
1)breakfast,vena?
2)library card??
3)FIND A JOB
4)James?
5)WEEDS a must do...they are growing way to much for my taste.
6) i don't know :)

So yea, basically busy all day and no matter what I'm sure I'll be thinking about what my next blog will be, undying love,forgetfulness, suicide,job hunting,movies? I am not sure. We'll see.LATER :D!

G-Force - Jump Music Video (Flo Rida feat Nelly Furtado)

"TEXT ME"-E.J.

So I was on my 'venture to find a job..again today,and in doing so I ran into Vena and had a pleasant conversation as we shared some candy,and then it happens. My phone buzzed,twice as usual, I grabbed it thinking, "O,its another text message...". NO IT WAS NOT...Ever since i sent that one letter,I have always been dreading the response,and here it was Flashing and Buzzing in front of me. I stared at the screen,blinked a few times,drew to more intakes of candy,and flipped my phone. "Hey." That was the response? No,of course not, I ran home checked my email,no response from the letter. I stood looking at the "Hey." Thinking something is off,I texted back, "Hi." Few moments passed on by, in which I felt like the world went on faster than usual and there I was stuck. Frozen in time staring at that little blue machine which held my fate,in which I changed quickly. I grabbed the phone I text back without thinking, "I gtg ima have to do something,I rly want to tlk to you,maybe later...btw ignre my email..please..rawr." And I turned off the phone and ever since stare at its black screen screaming "CheckCheck!!" But I will not. We have choices in life,where we are forced to go down certain roads more than others,and I know for fact due to recent advents I'm pushing others away and closeing doors to great oppurtunites, but sometimes it's best to step back and breathe even it means hiding. What I'm getting at is that I could of asked if they read my letter,but I didn't I ignored it, I could tell my true feelings to certain persons of interests but I won't. Most of all I could be myself,butI refuse to let that happen. Choices are a day to day action its up to you as a person to make them because you will be the one with the aftermath,not others,so listen to youheart and forget the rest. Someone once said "memories of the brain fade away,but memories of the heart forever stay."

fallen candy

I was tempted to put fallen soldier but I feel weird typing that. So I was on my walk of the night 10minutes ago,you know the deal grab wallet and walk few blocks to the store , look through the same isles even through you memorized everything,and just buy some random thing and walk back. But on this walk back everything that has been going on flew at me,like a group of pigeons and I'm the pretzel they rip apart.(hold the mustard)So as I walked the empty street which so soon will be full of hustle and bustle,I watched the midnight diamonds flicker on and off hoping that maybe one would just be so bright it outshines the rest..then again that is the sun (ahahah joke) I sat down on the steps outside the house and just watched my life. Watched what others are doing,feeling,watched how you can see so much from them from nearly nothing at all. Then I looked down,just to deny all the facts,and thoughts I had stirred up in my mind,and I saw it, a half eaten mint, staring at it,thinking that someone dropped it,denied it of any possiblites to do its life meaning of making someones breath minty fresh. Why is it that we thrive to move on,progress, achieve,human nature?Or standards we set upon ourselves?

Maria Mena - Dear....

Letters

What exactly is art? According to dictionary.com art is defined as: "the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance." So is it then qualified to say we studied 12 years of art? The English language is one of the hardest languages to learn, as writers we have to weave words together to make sure they flow together,use of pronouns,verbs,adjectives, the declining certain words to certain tenses for their use, especially with the "sometimes y' rule in vowels.
But yet it is not concerted any art due to the fact that its is used everyday. Sure poetry,sonnets and story telling is concerted as one but not just the use of language in general.Any way my point of this blog is that I was writing a letter to someone,and I was thinking since letters are now becoming extinct and email,and everything is becoming online, would letters of the past soon become artwork in a museum? For future citizens of any country to see how people once wrote,how they weaved words together whether the subject is depressing or happy, from spelling errors and no spell check to the calligraphy of a writers hand.

-silence-

I just finished the book Speak by Laurie Anderson, one word, "moving". The book is highly recommended to kids going through highschool yet her I am just finished high school and I finally decide to read it on my own. I picked up the book at CVS just cause I was there buying hair dye and I had one of those sudden urges to pick it up and just buy it,in which I did. There were moments through the book where I personally felt as if I have been through it or know of a situation just like. The book is very powerful and the message behind it is a true message that I feel if I knew four years ago the road I am on now would be completly diffrent. I will not say what happens in the book,but just know that if you have a few hours to kill this book would make you feel moved,inspired or all the above withing those hours.

Marketa Irglova & Glen Hansard - If you want me

Coach House..neigh?

So lately or in other words last two days I have been reading the book Speak by Laurie Anderson (20 pages to left) and that is basically all I did today was read,so I finally decided to do something productive with my life and go out to eat. (AHAHAH all I do is eating so its not the productive so minus 10 points on life but add 20 for socializing?) Anyway I went with my aunt and a couple of her friends that I knew, from a first impression it is as if the customers were stuck between time zones. The decoration was as if the old fashion homey diner meets the twenty first century dinner, instead of the average juke box pertable music,there is candle light. However the walls held the originality of architecture of the building showing bare brick in soem areas, as photgrapghs of simple dinner things roamed the restaurant,my favourite being this picture of two stras crisscrossing in a milkshake(balck and white). When looking at the menu one say the idel home made food items, from mango shrimp to simple chicken pot pie. The food however was worth what ever price you paid for. Espically the coffee, almost as good as the leading brand Starbucks or Dunkin Doughnuts. Highly Recommend the Coach house. However the cherry on top was when we had paid for the bill and left we were watching the lightening in the sky and how it made certain parts light up and others darken, and as we were leaving some one said in the background," i saw thunder" may i say this woman was well above age to understand the concept of thunder vs lightening.

Child whats wrong?

Have you ever noticed that when we were little it was okay to talk. If we fell down and scrapped our knee, or if some other kid pushes you at the park it was okay to talk. Talk to your friends and family. But as we grow up we slowly clam up. Not due to the theory of "no body cares" but due to the central belief that we feel more and express more. Even the smallest mouse can leave the biggest footprint in the sand.
What I'm trying to get at is that as adults when ever we feel down or have something on our mind we shut our shells and clam up trying to hide any weakness or flaw within ourselves. Yet when someone asks us and we say no "nothing at all" we scream the total opposite inside our minds.
Not to sound totally cliché or anything but WHAT IF we changed that, what if we decided to open up and jump into the realm of possibilities,instead of just dipping our toes in. Then perhaps our lives in general,our emotions that are bottled up, wouldn't be as stuffy,stiff, and we as people would be able to move freely like we did when we were little.

Its abird,its superman, no its a plane.

There comes a time in everyone's life where, vacation,travel,moving or just getting up and going away for a weekend comes into mind. But what happens when "getting up and leaving" is being forced upon you,and you can't come back till years later?

1. The act of surrendering a claim to, or interest in, a particular asset.
2. The permitted withdrawal from a forward contract that is made for the purchase of deliverable securities.
3. The act of allowing an option to expire unexercised.

Up above is the definition from dictionary.com upon Abandonment. Most recently in one of my other blogs Ive discussed how my friend is being deported,I guess its time to explain. Well three years ago I met this person and I feel head over heels for this person,but due to the circumstances of distance amongst other reasoning, they said they didn't feel that way and declined me like a unwanted winter sweater from 1980's. Anyway back to the story, so we've back talking and getting closer over the last few years and such,and now its been three years almost and it hits like a dart on a bulletin board. It was the first week of summer vacation I just graduated the prison a.k.a Edison High School, and I was off to spend a week in the apartment when everything was bout to turn up side down. My friend and i had been flirting a little like we used to and then they said, that due to the fact they have citizenship in two different countries,the U.S immigration said they have to give one of those up,in doing so they HAVE to go back and do at least 2 years in either army to give them up. Then we fast forward a week and they decided to admit there feelings to me and how much they cared to the point where I wanted to cry...but anyway lately they have been seeing their best friend Ian and I don't know why but it bothers me cause Ian's admitted to liking them and now they admit they like Ian..mixed signals much? So yea there is the full story this is such a BAD blog, I'll make it up to you guys later.

(poetry?)

bite your lipe,hold your breath
those secret lies portray our hidden fate.
what is next our final goodbye,no,none at all
thats not in the plan,yuor plan of my demise.

Does it always have to be important?

What does one do when hitting a roadblock? (And I do not mean an actually roadblock,but like problem in life?)Right now as I'm typing this I'm reading the book Speak by Laurie Anderson, I just started but the main character is going through some troubles on her first day of school,and all her solutions are just her bitting her lip and keeping quiet. Is that really the best way to solve anything? Sure in the past people have gone to war over disagrements,but this is the modern twenty first century, war happens none the less, however now-a-days people,legistlatures,lawyers, even the average day 5th grader talks to another to solve a concept. Isn't that what they teach us in school? As a hidden lesson, through Chemistry,and Calculus we follow a set gudieline to figure out how to solve the equation, yet the subconsious theory or lesson to be taught is to be able to follow a guideline to solve a problem. But as humans we are prone to error,and we check amongst others to make sure that we solve the problem correctly. So why can't we talk to others even our rivals sometimes to figure out how to detour around these roadblocks? Human nature.

To be or Not to be.

One of the greatest writers ever know once wrote in one of his plays:

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;"

What If we chose not to be? What if we are cowards of misfortune? Just sailors stuck in a mill lake? No one can exactly make up there mind 100% but we can always hope for the best or worst depending upon the subject.

Upon one of my earlier blogs I wrote about one of the "hopeful" relationship I wanted but ended up them choosing someone else, well today was the first time I had talked to them since and what they said just cut me like a knife on a potato. Well they leave for Germany in two days and I couldn't just hold my tongue for a month and hope for the best,that just was not happening. So of course I had to open my big fat mouth and asked them the question if they are official and their answer shocked me. "No." Simple and down to the point,then of course everything came back and I was thinking I still might have a chance...NO again,he is scared to become evolved with him even through he is willing to move to Germany with him. So what does will do but of course build that famouse brick wall and just push away anything. Anyways point of this blog was, when stuck in a position where it comes down to you debating if you should tell someone that you care about so much,a secret, think for a second, "to be or not to be that is the question."

3month old bad milk meets freshly made sandwhich

So I stayed up till give or take 6ish this morning; in doing so I realized or I had a famous "O!" moment in which caused myself to realize,that with each moment that pasts us by we are in control of the outcomes.For example we all have choices in life some smaller than others from choosing what tee shirt to wear to a friends house to deciding if you should tell your parents about that skeleton you have in your closet.
The phrase "spring cleaning" holds no power in life (unless your actually cleaning..in spring..)There is never a exact right moment for anything, nor is there a exact due date to life. But on occasion it is okay to clean your soul, by which I mean, come out. Come out to others tell them the things you wish you had but never did, tell yourself that everything will be fine, clean your mind start fresh, not much can go wrong with being fresh.

Sunrise

watching the sunrise can be a philosophical moment in which one can realize "their life meanings" while others realize its a fresh day,new beginning. Take it in the point of view where as a New day is like a newborn baby,fresh,new,open for experiences and life lessons to be taught. We can only seize the day if we allow ourselves to, "carpe diem" as the Romans once said, and look how they ended, conquering more than half of Europe(just ignoring how the downfall happened...) Anyway, someone once said that "every day is just another day in which we decide if we are going to fail or not" what that means exactly I'm not sure,for it could be taken in two different ways. I'm not quite sure what this blog is about,perhaps it's just a reminder to whoever is reading this that life gives us opportunities that under the right circumstances we can take to our advantage and live life the way we want to.

Favourite Past Time

Insomnia. According to dictionary DOT come Insomnia is "–noun
inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness."
Or in others those who can not sleep due to thoughts,mentally,emotionally, those who made a mistake and feel horrible about it or maybe even those who just,lack of better words, could care a rats ass about sleep. However I may be all of those,just except the last one.Anyway,lately I just can't sleep and all I do is surf the web,or lay in bed and think about what is happening,,or what I did throughout the day. Well according to my blog about two hours ago I was just talking about my wonderful day at wallyworld or a.k.a Wallmart. But I just got into a fight with a sweet guy named Kendric or a.k.a barbie doll, and its really all my fault,and now he's upset and here I am just blogging away not really knowing what to say or do anymore. Insomnia inability to obtain sufficient sleep, would it be safe to say inability to stop being a jerk?

24 hours seven days a week?whats new?

hmm day 2 (lets try making this consecutive!) So lets see what happened today? Well I woke up at 8am to yelling of the dinosaur to mini spy about god knows what,then i subconsciously cleaned the bathroom and ended back in bed till 3? I didn't know that was possible. x]
I packed all these clothes and books i want to read into a luggage fit for a mouse,due to the fact im going to the aartment till my list of things are done. But anyway I guess I'll start on my weekend getaway books after I finish putting away my lovely walmart grocercies. (Is it just me or is everything turning to 24/7 here in Jersey) O and on my adventure in buying food I embarassed myself infront of everyone by trying to use my bank card and failing due to thefact that it was upside down and backwards.
TO DO list # 1
1)read book,write review
2. Find sweet sixteen presents..is that possible?

p.s apparently Dulce DE leche flavored doughnuts from dunkin doughnuts are good. lol

opps again..and again

Okay,so its been a while...a long while.But it is going to change,as life does i suppose. Well lets see where shall I start with what is new? Okay , just ended a 11month relationship with this guy named David,in which we've been off and on like a light switch, but we broke up due to commitment issues and what not,but then most recently I found out not only did he cheat on me once but twice,there's a boost in the self esteem. Then on top of that all, I had a HUGE high school gogo gaga crush on someone for the last couple years, and just recently they admitted that they cared about me,liked me back just as much, but of course with my luck that just ended up in utter failure; He got a boyfriend the next day,and is moving back to Russia..so on the bright side I start college in six weeks,and who knows what new doors will be opened? Any way lets get back to the real blog and let me put up new pieces of work.

╥ - ╥

Turning heads
her grand entrance.
Singing her sweet lullaby,

Her poisonous words quieting their cries..

Never knew it could turn to this, from one moment into the next.
Never seen this happen before,

(to be cont.)

No surprise

yea,as we can all guess i have yet to post anything in months,but ill start trying..eventually :). So this is the new dish/whats up and going. I've chosen which college I'm going to,considered breaking up numerous times with my current love affiar,searched for jobs but failed epically and so much more I'll continue this little rant when i have time,peace!